Structure

An older gentleman at AA spoke these words last night. Structure is what gives us peace while complacency leads to frustration and anger. I've always had that backwards, I guess. My assumption has been that, if you are doing what you want to do and unencumbered by rules and guidelines, then you are free. Slowly, it is beginning to become very clear that it is the exact opposite. I'm terrible at self-discipline. My ADD brain gives me much reason to float around with no direction...and believe that I have an excuse for doing so.

My first week into this process, I was so willing to do what anybody told me. I was starved for direction. I felt like if I wasn't clinging to God with all my might that I would die. I was desperate for guidance. I saw where my own feet had taken me and it was a dark, scary place. Only God could lead me a new way, give me a fresh start, forgive me and take me to a place I never knew...a place of peace. That is where I wanted to go. And, I was resigned that I wouldn't make it there on my own. Somewhere along the way, I let go of God's hand. My stubborn will took over again. I awoke a couple of mornings in a row without prayer, forced myself through the day, never stopping to be still, to be quiet or to even offer a simple thanksgiving to my creator for any of my blessings. Just me with my own ideas and will pushing myself through. That is when the walls started to crumble.

Yesterday was one of those days that was frustrating on every level. I was angry at God for picking on me (or what I interpreted as bullying). There was a challenge around every corner. Even the dogs seemed to pick up on my nasty energy and avoided me. Rodney's usual sweet happiness infuriated me. Why are you so damn happy? Although I could identify my anger and frustration, I couldn't seem to figure out how to make it stop. There was no rational reason for it so, there was no rational solution. Logical thinking and sensibility were not working. While I was able to "control" myself by not breaking anything or smashing anybody's face in...I was quite at war with myself internally. I made it till 5:30 which was when my meeting started with my sponsor. Then at 8:00, I went to the AA meeting. The more I listened the more I began to think, "what a doofus!" Here I was wondering what in the world was wrong with me and the answer was so simple. I let go of God's hand.

So, my little pea brain was enlightened last night. My whole life, I've only needed God when I was in some sort of crisis or when I decided I wanted to try and be closer to Him. Now, I'm learning that my close intimate contact with Him is no longer a luxury or a choice, it is going to be imperative to my survival. No longer can I occasionally look heavenward and ask for help or frivolously pray when it feels right or good. He can't be my backup when everything else fails. He must be every breath I take. Thankfully I wasn't simply told to go home and pray and all would be well. I was given an assignment. Read this, say this, do this. Until prayer becomes more natural for me, it is a comfort to have words to say in the meantime.

I'm now on step 2. I admitted I was powerless over alcohol and that my life had become unmanageable. That was amazingly quite simple to admit. So, step one is complete. Step 2 is believing that a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity. I truly believe that by letting myself slip away from God for a few short days opened my eyes to the fact that I can't live without Him. That my sanity hinges on my ability to humbly give myself over to God. This is a vital and crucial step, in my opinion. I'm trying not to jump ahead but to stay focused on the task at hand. Believing. It seems so odd that somebody who was raised in church is having to start over at age 38 with the most fundamental concept. God is slowly teaching me humility by methodically humiliating me. I'm learning that I really don't know all that much. That, without God, my efforts are in vain. But, I'm also learning that I may never have come to know God this way or have come to a place where I desperately needed Him had I not slipped into a pit. Only God can take something so ugly and vile and turn it into an amazing awakening of the soul. My eyes are opening and I'm squinting as I step out into the light. Not fully aware yet, but fully knowing that I was asleep and that it is the heightened state of awareness that I seek. And, knowing only God can fully bring me back to life.