Tuesday, February 17, 2015

A Fast Epiphany

My intention in writing this blog entry is simply to reveal an epiphany I had last night that was too long to microblog about on Facebook. We'll see how brief I keep it.

Last night I had a meal at Jason's Deli. We eat there almost every Monday night with friends. We make the 90 minute drive to Texarkana to our chiropractor, get our adjustments, then we eat at Jason's Deli and then shop for food. It has become the norm on Mondays and I really really like it. However, this Monday's meal was a bit different. It was the first meal any of us had eaten since Friday evening.

You can google "3 day fast" and learn a lot about the benefit of doing one and how to safely go about doing it. It's an amazing way to boost your immune system and reset your metabolism by promoting stem cell growth and a myriad of other proven biological miracles. They are also, very very, very, very difficult to get through. Which is why we all did it as a group. I've done many 24 hour fasts but I was nowhere near prepared for what was ahead of me.

The places your brain will go when you haven't eaten any food for 24, 36, 48, 49, 50....hours! I thought about food in ways I didn't think possible. Eating clean has been so life changing for me and I really believed that I had killed all my sugar addiction demons but did they every come screaming back with flaming vengeance. Gnashing teeth and whatnot. At one point, my caffeine headache was so bad and my craving for chewy sweet tarts was so intense that all I could do was sit on the couch and hold myself together. Full-on, complete, unadulterated withdrawal. I haven't eaten chewy sweet tarts or anything of the nature in over a year and haven't even thought about wanting them. I accepted the craving as a lesson. That lesson is too complex to write about in what is supposed to be a brief blog, but in a nutshell, no matter how tough you think you are...you are always susceptible to fall back into addiction at any given point.

I was relieved that I also had the most intense craving I've ever had for an apple. I kept imagining biting down into the flesh. Cold, crisp, sweet, juiciness flooding my parched mouth. Oh I wanted it so bad. So so so bad. I wanted cashews, roasted cauliflower, cabbage, butternut squash soup, tomatoes, mushrooms, zucchini, olive oil drizzled on all the things, and every single thing I saw posted on Instagram and Facebook that was food-related. I became alarmed several times about my state of mind. The most alarming thing was thinking that as soon as the fast ended, I was going to eat and never stop. I was going to gain all my weight back in a DAY. I couldn't imagine that I would ever be satiated again. It was a trip. Uncharted territory. And it was very very good for me to go there.

Wow, this is turning out longer than I expected, so...onto my epiphany.

This was my first meal after the fast. I was a mad woman at the salad bar. I dipped into just about every single container. I usually don't put cheese on my salad but was totally justified in doing it after what I had just come through. Dried cranberries?? Oh YES! TWO croutons?? You betcha! Would you like bacon and cheese on your cup of potato soup? Dang straight! And please gimme a cup of guacamole. 

I drizzled the whole thing with balsamic vinegar and was very generous with the olive oil. I watched it hit the veggies with lust. It was food porn if ever I had seen it and I wasn't even a little sorry for the deep aching desire that was burning in my soul. 

We prayed really fast and dove right in. The bliss. The satisfaction. The quenching of desire. I wanted to taste every little molecule. I wanted to put my hands in it and rub it in my hair. Chewing had never felt quite so satisfying. My taste buds were exploding. I could actually feel my body rejoicing. Every little cell in my person was having a party. There was dancing and laughter and music. 

And then, slowly, it started to happen. I was full. I couldn't eat anymore. My plate was still half full and I couldn't bear to go on. I nibbled on chunks of melon, forced a couple of strawberries and pineapple bits but, I was done. It had come to an end. I was, in fact, completely and totally satisfied. 

It didn't take long, maybe a half hour and my energy was back. Like completely. I thought I was going to crash but the opposite happened. I was ready to take on the world so I went shopping for jeans...and bought 2 pair. That's a big deal for this girl. 

The epiphany came on the ride home. I was talking to Rodney about how odd it was that I became full so quickly. I told him about the fears that I had been having during the fast that I wouldn't ever want to stop eating again in my life. I told him about my fears that my addictions to sugar were sure to come back to nab me. Then I thought about my meal. It was loaded with nutrients. Spinach, dark green leafy lettuces, a myriad of colorful veggies, fruits, nuts, and healthy fats. And, of course, that bowl of Irish potato soup WITH bacon and cheese, thank you very much. It just makes sense that feeding your body at the cellular level is going to fill you...even if you haven't eaten in days. It only takes what it needs. Then I started in on one of my rants about fast food and processed junk and how we had bought into that whole lie for so many years and I thought about McDonalds french fries and I asked this question. Have you EVER eaten enough McDonalds french fries? Even if you order a large? Aren't you always looking for loose ones in the bag and seeing if your buddies are done with theirs? Can I have the rest of your fries? 

The reason you can never eat enough french fries or ever be completely satisfied is that you simply aren't nourishing your body. You are actually starving it. It is a form of psychosis or something. We just put in this conglomeration of chemicals, preservatives and fried, salted goo and are literally starving our poor bodies. We just pack it on in fat and toxins and are never happy or satiated. Just give me more and more and it's never enough. 

I'm only saying this because I was there. I believed cheerios were good for me. I believed McDonalds was a grand American institution that was serving us inexpensive, convenient food that kept us from having to cook and, that was just so wonderful! A salad was something to have on the side but don't forget to pour on the ranch dressing. And don't bother to read the list of ingredients on that either...you couldn't pronounce half of the 25+ in it anyway. 

Rodney refers to our new lifestyle as an "awakening". I love that. Being awake is the most amazing way to live life. It can also be highly unsettling when you are surrounded by people who seem to be sleeping. You have to find other people who are awake to talk to about all of this stuff. You can share it but it generally just annoys people. I remember being annoyed myself. It was because I didn't want some chipper awake person to disturb my slumber. But boy when your eyes do fly open...the world becomes this magical, amazing, astonishing, breathtaking, wondrous place. It is also full of glorious, nourishing FOOD. I'm so excited about every little thing I eat now. 

I read once about a prisoner of war who, when released, was asked what she wanted to do now that she was free. One of the first things she wanted was to taste and eat and lavish in every kind of food there was. She said she had never eaten a mango before she went into captivity and, after years of starvation and being fed only beans and mush she couldn't wait, in her liberation, to taste all the things that God had made. I'm not comparing myself to someone who spent years being abused and starved by radical guerrillas but I do think that I have had the same kind of fire kindled in me. Food has taken on this whole new dimension. It serves to give me energy to think and work and love and live. It brings me joy when I shop for it, prepare it, grow it, wash it, chop it up and cook it. And, it is pure delight to eat it. To partake with so much gratitude that every bite is precious. 

I'm not suggesting everyone do a 3 day fast, and if you do...make sure you know as much as you can first about how to do it safely. I'm just sharing what happened to me and, if that makes one person consider choosing even one meal with a little more intention and gratitude...then my mission is accomplished. 

You are welcome. 

Peace out.  

Friday, December 12, 2014

Embracing the crazy

Does anybody remember when this happened?

If you're my mom, my brother or any of my friends that attended this movie with me the first time I saw it, you remember. I think I was maybe 5 or 6 when we went to see it at the theater. I became inconsolable. I fell apart. Wept!... I. Couldn't. Even. Oh, they all tried to help me pull it together, even when things turned around and the bear wasn't actually dead...but there was no coming back from the pain and anguish in my broken heart. Some of the other kids laughed at me. And sometimes, when I reunite with that group of people, they regale the story of when Jenni lost it during the Jungle Book.

I can laugh about it now but even looking at that image makes my heart catch in my throat just a bit. This is serious stuff. How can a little girl be expected to handle such a thing? Cue the sad music to go along with it and I just don't know how anybody could keep it together.

I was a very dramatic child, teenager, adult... middle-aged woman. Even my kids will, at times, tell me, "Jeeze Mom. Don't you think you're overreacting just a bit?" And, I have to pause and consider the fact that, maybe I am. Just a tad.

Because of a lot of self-doubt and fear, I usually questioned every emotion I had. Like I thought something was really wrong with me for feeling sooooo much. "Do I need meds? Do I need a psychologist? Should I probably be committed? Maybe I should grow up already."

Ah! There was the answer. I needed to grow up. The funny thing is, I had to totally change my idea about what being "grown up" meant. I always thought that maturity meant that you had a clean house, paid your bills on time, maybe had a hobby like needle point, and went to bed at a decent hour. Booorrring!! No wonder it took me so long to want to grow up. I've discovered in the last couple years that maturity really comes when you embrace who you really are. The good and the not so good. Maybe it isn't maturity at all. Maybe it is this other thing. This thing called FREEDOM! It's not growing up at all, it's growing into exactly who you were meant to be. Whether that is a person that needs to keep a lot of rules or an enlightened free spirit, BE IT! Embrace it!

Something miraculous happens when you stop fighting your natural self. God made you the way you are for a reason. If He just so happened to give you a great big, mushy, bleeding heart, you might need to just go ahead and feel that stuff and let it lead you. I read a quote recently that nailed this on the head...

"Being tender and open is beautiful. As a woman, I feel continually shhh’ed. Too sensitive. Too mushy. Too wishy washy. Blah blah. Don’t let someone steal your tenderness. Don’t allow the coldness and fear of others to tarnish your perfectly vulnerable beating heart. Nothing is more powerful than allowing yourself to truly be affected by things. Whether it’s a song, a stranger, a mountain, a rain drop, a tea kettle, an article, a sentence, a footstep, feel it all – look around you. All of this is for you. Take it and have gratitude. Give it and feel love." -Zooey Deschanel

Gratitude for being vulnerable? Really? YES!! What else on earth are you here for? You're not a mindless drone meant to serve a meaningless purpose. Think about the times you've felt most alive, your best memories, your greatest moments. It probably involved some vulnerability and fear. Our greatest joys, our highest heights just come with a big dose of butterflies. I've learned to welcome it. If I get an overwhelming feeling, I don't ignore it anymore or try to rationalize it. Being rational is way overrated. Recently, someone I love very much sent me a text that made my heart so happy, before I even knew what was happening, I found myself curled up in a ball holding on to my heart to try and keep it inside my chest. I also found myself within the last couple weeks digging under my bed for a T-shirt I couldn't find. Because I'm a grown up. I'm the grown up I was meant to be. I no longer listen to the outside voices that tell me what I should be. I take advice. I am always learning and growing but the core of who I am doesn't change. It never has, I just accept it now.

I remember one time my brother told me a story about listening to the music that all his friends were listening to. He said he was alone and had a lightbulb come on like, "I don't even like this music! Why the heck am I listening to it?" Then he turned on what HE liked. That always kind of stuck with me. Why do we feel like we need to do what everybody else is doing when you have a blazing fire inside you telling you something else? I hope that my friends that read this already know all this and are just shaking your heads going "duh". But, I hope that if you do find yourself a little lost or afraid, that you will have the courage to just step into the life that you know you are meant to lead.

I don't wail during Disney movies anymore...just kidding. Yes I do. Just not to the point where everybody stares and I make an incredible scene that people will talk about for decades. You can be socially cool and still have a big old heart. I think.

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Inside out

15 months ago, this was the body I was living in. I've been told by more than one person that "the angle is just bad on that picture" and other such things but...it was me. It was also a big, fat (pun intended) wake-up call. My mom took that picture, posted it on Facebook, tagged me in it and I was stricken. I wanted her to remove it. I had worn that sleeveless shirt because I thought I was darling in it. Boy that notion got blown out of the water, at least in my head. That night, I laid in bed thinking, praying, worrying anxiously, picking up my phone, looking at that person, obsessing over it and contemplating how in the world that could be me. 

Far from just the outward appearance, I was concerned with how tired I looked. 

"That is a forced smile. Those eyes look whipped. I look like I could use a serious nap." Then, I heard a voice come from within that whispered, "are you gonna lay here and feel sorry for yourself or are you gonna DO something about it?"

6:00 am the next morning, I laced up my tennis shoes and hit the road. 

I made it around my little 3 mile loop, got some oxygen in my blood and started a whole new path. Morning walks just became a must. It was imperative to my mental health as much as it was to my physical health. I started eliminating some of the bad stuff from my diet. It was, by no means, cold turkey but...little changes started happening. I quit buying candy. Incidentally,  the night that picture was taken, I remember distinctly eating Smarties like a crack addict. Opening the wrappers and shoving the whole roll in my mouth. Pure sugar. Complete and total addiction. 

We started keeping more veggies and fruit in the house and left out the candy. I knew if it wasn't there, I wouldn't eat it. Slowly, I started feeling better. The fog began to lift with each walk, with each healthy meal. Weight started to come off. However, the most amazing thing was...I started to love myself. The lightbulb came on when I realized that, if I take care of this body, it is more than happy to return the favor. It became less and less about the way I looked in a picture and became about vitality, health, JOY, peace, LOVE. It all started to fill me up. Life started happening to me. 

15 months later...

One of my favorite photo comments to date is from a girl I hardly know that was a foreign exchange student in Wickes a few years ago. She is from Switzerland and, in her broken but exacting English she said..."So great!! Need to know what u did to become this." 

It hit me like a bullet to the chest. Oh my gosh...I BECAME something else! 

I just wanted to share a few things that I've learned over the last year that have helped me and have made this "becoming" a reality. 

1. If you're doing it for vanity, you may as well just forget about it. 

I don't know how many times I hated the way I looked in the mirror, jumped on the treadmill or elliptical and, with self-loathing, tried to get that jiggly blubber off my butt. None of that effort had anything to do with loving myself or my body or even trying to be healthy. I just wanted to LOOK good. 


Unless you truly find self-love, you will just be spinning your wheels. The same God placed the stars in the sky and named them all, created you. The majesty that you see in the world around you is nothing compared to the glory of sweet little you. Please know that. We are created in His image. He gave us one body to live in. One body for your heart and your soul to dwell in. Why must we think we are ugly? Why would we torture that precious gift or listen to that voice that tells us we are no good? Shut that voice up. I found a trick in naming the voice (I named the bitch Helga) and telling her to shut her pie hole when she starts in on me. LOVE YOURSELF!!! God does not delight in you bashing yourself. He gave you the beautiful gift of a beautiful body. Love that thing! 

2. Weight lifting isn't just for guys! 

Hear me now and believe me later, I am hear to PUMP...clap...YOU UP! I'm serious though. The game changed when I started building lean muscle. I always thought that if I picked up a weight, especially a heavy one, I was gonna look like those freaky ass women that look like a man. But, when I started doing deep, weighted squats, and bicep curls and tricep extensions (among a million other resistance moves) OMG people!! I seriously would wake up every morning (still do) like a kid on Christmas morning, look in the mirror, flex my arms, look at my abs and just smile and smile and SMILE!! There is nothing more motivating that seeing results. 

One of my personal triumphs was gaining the ability to do a pull-up. Not a chin-up, a full out hanging from the bar with hands turned front and lifting my body up with my arms until my chin was over the bar pull up. When I started out, I just dangled from the bar and squirmed. With some help and coaching from my son, I started getting stronger and, eventually did it. I didn't stop there though. I keep upping the number and gaining more and more strength. It's fun! It really is fun and amazing to see what your body will do. Pick up some weights, use mother earth, gravity and be a badass! 

3. You can't out work a bad diet! 

This one is pretty straight forward. If you are still feeding your body junk, it does NOT MATTER how many reps you do or how far you run or how long you sweat. Your body is screaming for nutrition. The lightbulb came on for me when I learned that nutrition happens on a cellular level. If you aren't giving your cells what they need, you are starving. STARVING. You could eat 12 big macs a day and wash it down with diet coke and have a whole pack of Oreo's for desert and you would be one malnourished, starved and sick person. Health happens when your body is getting everything it needs and, it is up to you to do that. You are the only one that controls what goes in your mouth. Feed your body well. 

4. Become Tony Horton's bitch. 

I'm not here to promote any exercise program...wait! Yes I am. I am riddled with ADHD. It is an acute, rampant, malicious case of it. When I bought my first Beachbody DVD workout program, P90x3, life just became sweeter. I had a calendar, a schedule, instructions and a big dose of gumption. Sporadic weight lifting and a little interval training here and there was just not cutting it for me. I needed guidance. Lord have mercy do I need guidance. What could be easier than putting a DVD in and pushing play? Yes, you have to actually do the workout too but, it just made working out simpler. Plus, those particular workouts are 30 minutes and, who doesn't have that time to invest? There was always that box waiting for a X in it every day...and, one day at a time, I got stronger, leaner, more flexible, gained balance and basically fell into a big puddle of awesomeness.

This was after my first 90 days. I am still going and don't really see an end in sight. I mix it up with different workouts but, P90x3 is still my go-to. 

I love Tony's philosophy of making fitness fun. Every single workout is one that I either love or love to hate. Either way, it gets me in there, challenges me and, therefore, changes me. 

5. Surround yourself with positive people. 

We really do become like the people who's company we keep so, choose wisely. You can't avoid negative people all the time. In fact, you can have a lot of fun being a little ray of sunshine in people's gray existence but, you don't have to join them. There are people who, for whatever reason, sit on the sidelines of life. I used to be there. I repeat...you DO NOT have to join them. Don't feel bad for running your race or for being joyful and happy while others just sit there. Smile and wave, love them to pieces but keep your little feet running. The people you hang with, you know the ones I'm talking about... the ones you do a lot of life with The ones you want to tell about your day. The ones who you immediately think to text or call when something exciting or even mundane happens. Those are your people. I'm not saying to ditch all your negative friends or divorce your buttheaded husband but, you do have a lot of say in who you do life with. You do get to choose. I will also say that, you draw those people to you with your own positive energy. So, be sunshiny and spread the love and those beautiful, radiant people will find you. 

6. Turn off that stupid television! 

This sort-of happened on accident at my house. I got so busy living my own life, I hardly have time to watch other people living their life on that box the size of Montana in my living room. We watch sports, occasionally the weather, documentaries, Breaking Bad because, well...it is necessary for life, and movies. We only turn it on in the evening and, depending on the sport of season, decide what to watch. There is a big wide world out there that you're missing by sitting in front of that thing. Believe me, I know. Turn it off. Listen to the silence, or the dog snoring...whatever. I just know that most of the things that were coming into my home through that contraption was a lot of noise, lies, confusion, and it made my head even more chaotic. Life is much more peaceful and joyful when the noise is minimized and, you do have the power to push that little button on the remote. It is usually the red one that says "power"...except the power will be your own when you turn that blasted thing off. 

7. Visualization really works. 

When I started really getting my mind right and focusing more and more attention on fitness, I started following a lot more fitness peeps on Instagram and Facebook. My newsfeed became filled with fit and happy people. So, my brain, my subconscious was absorbing all those images and, therefore, my thought process started changing. Just like choosing positive people, choosing positive visualization is serious therapy for your head. I don't know all the cognitive science behind the reasons why it works, it just does. If you're following a bunch of political pages that bash people or ideas or you have a news feed full of bad negative images and just a bunch of crap...get rid of it! Find some happy people to follow. Look at pictures of kittens and sunsets. Follow me...you'll get sick of fitness and adorable boxers. :)

8. Sugar is a bad bad bad drug. 

It is an addiction, people. If you're eating sugar and/or are experiencing lethargy and sugar highs and lows...you  are   an   addict! I could go on and on with this one. If you want to be sick, feed disease, become debilitated, and have chronic pain, keep eating it. And, I don't just mean the white granulated stuff in the canister on your kitchen counter. I mean bread, pasta, grains, or basically anything with a label on it because, it is in every stinking thing! I was suffering with a great deal of osteoarthritis pain, was on NSAID's and not thriving at all. When I eliminated processed foods and sugar... pain went away and I'm off my meds. The food industry today is the equivalent to the tobacco companies who just want to make you buy more by hooking you with an addiction. It isn't an easy addiction to break. For one, it is socially acceptable. If you were shooting up heroine, people might worry. But, suck up a box of doughnuts and nobody thinks a thing about it. However, it is the same thing. They just don't have cute little cocaine dives with mascots luring you in. When I started looking at it in the light of reality, that it is a DRUG, I was appalled that I had been duped all those years. No wonder I could never lose any weight! My body was crying out for nutrition and I just kept feeding it crap. I thought cheerios were good for you. I thought bread was life-sustaining. Well, I'm here to tell you that it isn't. You need ZERO carbs to live. There are so many beautiful and amazing foods that God gave us. Eat them. Eat butter. Eat avocados. Eat KALE!! If it came from a garden...eat that stuff. If it came from a factory and has a shelf-life longer than you, for the love of GOD don't eat it! 

9. Chiropractors are not quacks

This one is huge and I could really expound more than I'm going to but here goes my elementary spin on it. You're spine protects your spinal chord and that beautiful amazing thing is what transfers all the energy and signals from your brain to the rest of your body. All your tissue and organs are affected by the signals from your spinal chord. If there is a kink or a subluxation (thank you, thank you very much), it turns that power down and therefore, depending on where that subluxation is, can lead to a decrease in function which can lead to all sorts of pain and illnesses. I started getting chiropractic care a little over 3 months ago and I can't see my life without it now. I no longer take any prescription meds because, hello, my power has been turned back on. My pain is gone. My health has increased. My badassery...through the roof.  If I want my body to be at it's optimum, I have to make sure my spine is correctly aligned and my awesome amazing chiropractor sees to that. I do at-home rehab as well that is key to making sure my posture and spine are strong and in alignment which keeps me amazingly healthy and brings vitality to my life. 

10. Enjoy the journey

Everybody starts somewhere. If you are sick and overweight and don't see how you can change...you are simply sitting at the starting line. Everybody has the power to get up and go. Everybody. The thing is to enjoy the journey. If it looks hopeless and it looks like too much work, you are looking at it all wrong. There is an adventure awaiting you. One without an end. My "after" picture is just a stop on a much grander expedition. There isn't a finish line. Well, there is but it is the one when my ashes get spread far a wide. That is when I will quit. Until then, I will spend my days in the sun. I will feel the wind on my face, the burning in my lungs and the earth beneath my feet. Life is way too grand a thing to watch pass by. 
Love without regret 
Play like a kid 
Laugh till your belly hurts 
Get some mud in your hair 
Step in horse crap 
Let your heart break 
Get scared
Do it anyway
Take a chance
Tongue kiss
Get angry
and then get happy
Lay in the grass
even if it's itchy
Braid your hair
or let someone else do it
Hug somebody like you mean it
Wear the crap out of some lipgloss
Wear sunglasses
even on cloudy days
Walk the dog(s)
Take a nap
Read a book
Do yoga
even if you suck at it
Try a new food
Learn something new
every. single. day. 
Go shopping
Wear jeans with butt bling
Make new friends
Curl up with warm laundry
Do the dishes
with lipgloss on (and/or sunglasses)
Learn how to operate heavy machinery. 
Draw a picture. 
Be unabashedly and unashamedly yourself. 

Friday, January 3, 2014

What I learned in 2013

It always amazes me to look back over a span of time and realize how much things have changed. And, since I seem to have a really bad case of writer's block, and life is extremely distracting these days (I've been distracted twice by people and dogs 3 times just writing these two sentences) I've decided I shall do my year-in-review in list form. 
Here's a few things I learned...

1. It's worth the extra money to buy Victoria Secret panties. 
2. My body is capable of change and stronger than I really ever knew. 
3. Contemplating where to hide a body is totally reasonable given the right circumstances. 
4. I can still feel like a giddy, gushing 12-year-old girl and blush when certain people are around...and like it. 
5. Just when you think you've got things figured out, you're wrong. 
6. Exercise doesn't have to be grueling and boring and is the best antidepressant I've ever taken. 
7. My friends don't have to be my age. 
8. Watching sunrises, stargazing, dancing, tongue-kissing, and laughter get me high. 
9. My age has nothing to do with my age. 
10. Dogs can learn sign-language. 
11. Eating grapes at 1:00 a.m. while letting the dog out to pee is addicting and.. louder than you'd think.
12. Fresh cow's milk is the bombdiggity. 
13. People can be cruel but I'm only responsible for my own attitude. 
14. Blu-Ray really is better
15. Mess doesn't bother me as much as it used to and, surprisingly, my house is staying cleaner. 
16. I don't have to feel guilty about needing a nap and can nap like a boss. 
17. There is no such thing as perfection. 
18. I am not responsible for living up to other people's expectations of me. 
19. The only thing I should expect of others is imperfection and love them anyway. 
20. There is a huge difference between someone being nice to you and someone not being mean. 
21. It feels really good to be paid a complement and, therefore, I want to compliment others more. 
22.  It makes people angry when you tell a secret that isn't yours to tell...even good ones. 
23. The anticipation of a new family member coming into the world is beyond exciting. 
24. Just when I think my heart has expanded as far as it can, it fills up with even more love. 
25. I can still get mad crushes. 
26. Waking up at 5:30 is kinda awesome. 
27. I'm more competitive than I realized. 
28. You can't always get what you want. 
29. Detox baths are amazing. 
30. Slathering myself in coconut oil after a shower feels so good, and makes my dogs lick me. 

I could probably go on...
Hope all my loved ones have a blessed year and learn how big your hearts can grow. 

Thursday, October 17, 2013

2 years

Today marks 2 years of sobriety. Sobriety doesn't even begin to sum it all up. The word, itself, is just too small.

Looking back, I think the first year was spent sorting through the muck and trying to wiggle my way out of self-will. Leaving old patterns and default behaviors behind is messy business. Especially for a stubborn person like myself. I knew it was no longer going to work for me and I knew I had to let go. Trying to figure out HOW to let go is a quite a conundrum. When ceasing the fight is your battle and laying down your sword is the challenge, a person can find themselves in quite a pickle.

I know I've talked about this before but it's been so long since I've blogged, I can't remember what I've said or when. But, the moment I surrendered my will is the moment I became free. My "self" is still there. Oh boy is she still there.

Side note: because of an inspirational individual I've been following, I have named that inner voice "Helga". She's the bitch that messes with my head. She is my negative voice. The one that tells me I'm no good. She tells me I should give up. She is also the one that tells me to be a "right-fighter" and then if I do use my smart mouth, she tells me how stupid I am for doing that. Giving her a name gives me power over her. I've been challenged to recognize her when she starts yammering so that I can then tell her to zip it and follow it up with something positive. May sound kinda silly but it is a very powerful tool.

The last half of this, my second year of sobriety, has been about taking my life back. This is the part where I've recognized the line in the serenity prayer that says the courage to change the things I can. While ceasing my control and power over my life, God says, "you have the power to change". God gives me the will and directs my life but I can't move unless it is my feet that do the walking. I can not simply lay down and expect life to get better. It is up to me to do something about it. Life is all about decisions. Big ones and little ones. They all shape who you are. I've made bad choices and suffered the consequences. I still, sometimes, make bad choices but I have learned to be quick to apologize not only to those around me but to myself.

Being sober is so much more than not drinking alcohol or doing drugs. Now that I've tasted freedom, it is my new addiction. I've laid down the sword of myself and picked up the sword of the Spirit. He that is in me is greater than he that is in the world. There is my battle to fight. For, I am a fighter at heart. God didn't do that on accident. He says, "you want to fight? Fight the good fight!" Instead of fighting for what I think is "fair" or arguing over right and wrong, I allow my soul to rest in the knowledge that I don't control that. Instead of fighting with myself and surrendering to bitterness and anger, I can stand and fight bitterness and anger with love and patience. Understanding that what other people think of me is none of my business...F R E E D O M. Let freedom ring! Hallelujah AMEN. Somewhere, deep inside me, it's always been there. Peace. It was just buried underneath so much of my own crap...I couldn't see it, let alone, feel it. And, I know where it resides now so I stalk it, follow it, stand in it's shadow. I take it with me.

The ONLY thing that God has given me dominion over is myself. I can't control what anybody says or does but I can completely control my reaction to it. Helga sometimes says, "but they are so wrong and maybe you should tell them how stupid they are...go ahead" or "They shouldn't be able to behave that way and get away with it." And, sometimes I really want to listen to her. I really want to tell some people how ridiculous their points of view are. I really want to tell them how mean and cruel and vicious they're being. I have to tell Helga to SHUT UP and then I hear the Spirit whisper, "nothing and no one gets away with cruelty. It is not your job to bring down judgement. I will do that. The only way you can make a difference is with love. If you let their cruelty kill your joy and your peace, you have only yourself to thank. You get to love everybody. You don't even have to decide who to love and who not to love. You're free from making that decision. And, in doing that...in simply loving even the meanest of people, you will be free. You will be happy. Your life will bear much fruit. Continue on your journey child with peace and love in your heart. Nothing they do can touch you because I am your soul/body guard. I am your source of peace."

I am doing things every day that will make my tomorrow better. I am living presently. I am being "in the now". I allow myself to feel uncomfortable without thinking I've got to drink something to get rid of it. Fully awake and alive, I am experiencing life. All of it. Even the yucky stuff. Because, if I'm fully awake and alive to experience the yuck, I will also be fully awake and alive to experience the wonderful. There are a million miracles awaiting me. I want to be there when they happen.

Saturday, April 27, 2013

Hard Lessons

I guess any lesson worth learning is worth a little pain. It doesn't seem that anything comes easy. No matter how much you read about a topic, it is really a whole new ball game when the rubber meets the road.

I've always known that we are supposed to love everyone. That if we are in Christ and we accept His grace we, in turn, must be gracious towards others. The concept is there, it always has been. But what do you do when you're actually faced with it? What do you do with a broken heart when you love someone who doesn't love you in return?

Over the past few months, I've learned such a valuable lesson about this. It hasn't been easy but, now, seeing the truth laid before me and honestly accepting what is, I am beyond thankful for the lesson in all of the heartache.

I can't be very specific but there is someone in my life that just does not acknowledge my existence. Someone I love very much but, for various reasons, has decided that their life is better without me in it. While it even hurts think that, I am learning what it means to truly love somebody. Love is a gift. It is a gift that has been bestowed upon me my whole life. There has never been a day in my life where I really felt I wasn't loved by my family, my true friends, by God. I know that I am blessed. I know that there are some people who never really get to feel that kind of love from others. But, love is a gift that must be given without strings attached. This is where it gets tricky.

As humans, we tend to expect something in return for anything we give, be it love, money, gifts, time, patience, or talent. We think that we are owed something, especially if we go out of our way to help someone or extend grace in one form or another. I remember the first time I was scolded by a great aunt because she never received a thank you card from me. I was stunned. Of course it is common courtesy to extend thanks but it really made me reevaluate the whole gift giving and receiving thing. Isn't a gift something you give without expecting anything in return? Oh, it is if you're the receiver but...how do we really feel when we are the ones giving without receiving anything in return? Are we really giving out of true grace? Or is there an underlying motive?

MOTIVE. That has been the driving catalyst in my latest epiphany. What am I expecting in return by extending love to someone who, for all practical purposes, wishes I would just drop off the face of the earth. If I send a "Merry Christmas" text or a "Happy Birthday" wish, am I expecting a response? Or, am I really truly ready to open up my heart, expose a wound and allow God to be the ultimate healer. This means that I have to be willing to be vulnerable. I can't walk around with a wall around my heart to keep from being hurt. It means I have to be willing to do what the spirit leads me to do without thought of myself and how it might hurt. You know, saying "I love you and miss you" to someone who will probably make fun of those sentiments or find that you're motives are probably evil and that you're just trying to stir up contention. I wondered about my motives but the spirit whispered to me, "what if you weren't here tomorrow to say that? What would you regret more, saying I love you and having it squashed, or never having said it knowing that you really do?" So my choice was suddenly clear. TELL THEM YOU LOVE THEM. Tell them that you miss them dearly. Tell them that you're reminded of them in your dreams and in your daily walk. It doesn't matter if they ever acknowledge that you said a word. It doesn't matter that they don't love or miss you. YOU are responsible for your words, your actions, your motives. Once a gift leaves your hands and is in the hands of the recipient, it is up to them what they do with it. If I expect something in return, it wasn't really a gift to begin with. HARD LESSON.

Rodney mentioned the word "closure" today and it occurred to me that I just really don't need closure. God is the Ancient of Days and there is coming a day when there will be ultimate closure. There will not be one loophole left open or one wrong not righted. Everything will be made new and nothing that we've endured on the earth will have been for naught. The only thing I need to do is love. I get to love everybody. I don't have to make a list of qualifications and choose who makes the cut and who doesn't. What an exhausting and daunting task that would be. I'm free, free to love even those who hate me.

I can't tell you what this has done to my heart. How it has set me free from worry and anxiety. It still hurts when I know I'm being made fun of or that someone I love doesn't want to even see me or talk to me. But I believe that pain is part of the process of growing spiritually. If I'm truly going to let God have his way with my heart, there will be some pain involved. To get rid of all my human pride will require the ripping away of some things that were keeping me bound down. I believe God. I believe Him to do what He says He will do. Even when I'm scared and I don't  understand why...I believe.

So, if you are hurting or if you are questioning whether or not to tell somebody you love them...tell them. If you're going to get hurt by saying it, say it anyway. Love them anyway. Expect nothing in return but get ready for a lightening in you soul and a freedom in your heart.

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Letting Go

In my almost 40 years, God has called me over and over again to believe him. He challenges my faith, tests my strength, encourages me to move forward, and promises that He will be there every step of the way. It isn't enough to believe in God. He wants us to believe him. The only way that this is achieved is through complete and total faith. And man is it scary.

Sometimes, I am called to have faith in small things. Like that the weather will hold out until we get the hay put up or if we will have enough money to get us through until the next paycheck. Some might see those as big things but, to me, they are small in the grand scheme of things. Then there are times when God really needs me to be strong and believe. Like when my dad was sick and we weren't sure if he would live. Or when we signed our names on the bottom line and bought the farm and went into debt up to our eyeballs. It was so frightening because there is no way of knowing what the outcome would be. But, those of us that trust God have a knowing that the world cannot touch us. Oh, it can leave you bloody alright but, what we have is eternal and secure from anything that man may try to do to us. So, we walk wobbly-legged to the edge of the cliff, take the hand of Jesus and jump. I don't think God expects us to never be afraid. I just think He expects us trust him anyway. When I would tell my mom, "I'm just too scared", she would say..."well, just do it scared then".

I've just come to tell you today that I am afraid. The words are not even coming to me to describe what I am presently feeling. My son is leaving in a couple days. He will be headed to south Texas to begin working at a company down there where he has an opportunity to be successful and learn a trade. We are very proud and excited for him and he is ready. The trouble is, I'm not.

Anybody that knows Kyle at all knows what an incredible person he is. Raising him has been the joy, and the challenge of my life. For so many years, I really had my doubts that he would ever be able to survive on his own. There was just no way that this ADHD "tasmanian devil", as we used to call him, would make it without constant supervision and, even then, it was questionable. Helping to bring that boy to manhood was definitely a "hands-on" project. Somehow, we all made it through. He is, without doubt, one of the most amazing people I've ever known. And, I just don't want to let him go.

I was thinking last night how gracious God has been to me. Taylor was born just a few days shy of starting kindergarten when she was 5 so, I got to keep her an extra year. Kyle has had all this time since he graduated trying to find a path to take while camped out at home. I knew that the day would come when I would have to let go. Somehow, I feel like nobody understands. Even when he was little, it was hard for me to let him go spend the night at somebody's house. For one, I was afraid of what he might destroy while he was there but, mainly, it was because I felt like...nobody is going to love him like me. I don't want his hyper-weirdness or inquisitive, out-of-the-box thinking to be the brunt of jokes or to get on somebody's nerves. I just wanted everybody to see him for what I knew that he was and is. I wanted him to be seen for the precious, sweet, big-hearted, talented, incredibly smart person that he is. It's just that you had to look through a layer of spastic chaos to see it.

Some people did. I always appreciated the teachers that "got him". Those that took the time to nurture his strengths and just let him be who he was without ridicule. Angels, I'd say. As he has grown and gained the ability to balance his emotions and impulses and channel his energies, it has become easier and easier to see him being completely independent. He has become a man. And, a really good one. I am so happy that he has been able to maintain his sense of wonder in the world. His curiosity about how things work and why will serve him well. What will serve him even more is his love for Christ. This is what gives me peace in sending him out into the world. He will be a light wherever he goes. Texas is SOO lucky!

As for me, letting him leave is going to be frightening and hard but, it is just time. I will be called on for more faith than I've ever had in the coming weeks. To absolutely believe that God is going to take over from here is almost more than I can bear. I feel like I need to send a list of instructions with him...like his Creator knows him less than I do. I know he will make a lot of friends and probably meet girls. One day he will meet the girl God has set aside to be his wife and even then I will think, "nobody will ever love him like I do".

Rodney and my mom have said, "it's not like he is leaving forever". Yes, but this time, he's not heading off to church camp for a week or to stay at a cousins house. He is heading out into the world to start his life. It will be a beautiful life. I am so proud that I get to be his mother. I've learned more about love and patience in the past 18 years than I probably ever will again. In helping him become a man, he has made me a better woman. The best kind of woman...the mother of a good man.