Intentions

This isn’t what I had originally intended to write about but felt it important to share it now. 

Yesterday, I left an unkind comment on a long-time friend’s Facebook post. I’d been spending an obsessive amount of time on social media and I let the guard down over my mind and allowed fear into my heart. I picked up my own THE END IS NEAR poster and proceeded to contribute to the whole twisted hairball of panic and hysteria. Worse than that, I was kinda mean and… that’s not who I am. My ego, on the other hand is, how should I say it...moody.  She’s a mean ol’ nasty heifer and, she’s definitely not how I want to show up in the world. Especially now. 

Since this pandemic began, I’d been priding myself on remaining calm. Rodney and I went to Sam’s last Wednesday for our regular, monthly run and I was relieved that toilet paper wasn't on our list because I did not want to be seen "panic-buying". Our lifestyle for the past 20 years has been all about social distancing and panic buying. I think its in fine print when you sign up as a farmer. Anyhow, I wasn’t shaken off my foundation when everything changed and, apparently, that gave me a big stupid reason to be all self righteous. I was feeling a lot of things like  “I tried to tell y’all!!!” and “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WAKE TFU!!”… just a lovely brew of emotions to simmer in. Essentially, I took on the attitude of, “I am just gonna sit and watch this whole crazy drama play out from way up here on my peaceful, floating lily pad whilst doing yoga and eating kale.” 

I’m sorry. 

I heard Nadia Bolz Webber on the Rich Roll Podcast speak about self-righteousness in such a way that I was nearly blinded by the lightbulb moments. She was quoting someone else but said “Self-righteousness feels good for a minute the way peeing your pants feels warm for a minute”. I heard that. Felt it. Got it. Or so I thought. Yesterday, after my self-righteous Facebook comment, I ranted for a while about how I was right. I gave a mini sermon in my kitchen about narrow-mindedness and how the whole world was asleep. Sorry y’all missed it for it was truly grotesque. 

Then, my heart started to nag at me, “heyyy there Big Shooter. How do you feel now that you’ve personally attacked someone you actually respect? Someone you consider a friend?” This friend of mine whom I've shared common struggles with, a farmer, like me. He and every member of his family are servants for good in really big ways. The best of the best kind of folks. But, with my lofty position and my ego on fuego, I took it upon myself to spew out my truth with with venom. 

All of that self-righteousness suddenly felt heavy and toxic and all that warm pee in my pants started to get stinky and cold and, frankly, embarrassing. It was an eerily familiar feeling. 

When I was in high school, I yelled at my best friend because of a difference in our religious beliefs. I don’t even remember the specifics of the argument, I only remember that I yelled…at my best friend. And, it makes me feel icky inside every time I think about it. 

It was with that attitude that I've lived most of my life. People needed to see things my way. I don’t want to wander too far into the weeds about why this was my attitude but, my environment definitely played a roll in it. I had a very narrow view of the world for most of my life. Somehow, I’d been born into a family and a religion that already knew everything and, the rest of the world was lost. All y’all. And this was taught to me 3 times a week since birth. Even reading literature or listening to music outside of what was “biblical” was deemed immoral. There wasn’t any room for curiosity or existential questions. I was just handed a belief and, I accepted it. It wasn’t until I was 40 years old (FORTY) that I started to widen my view of the world so, I basically feel like I’m just getting started. On one hand, I kinda feel like I have a lot of catching up to do but, mostly, I feel like the world is wonderfully and miraculously, new. You know the moment in the movie “Field of Dreams” when the unbelieving brother is suddenly all “when did these ball players get here?”, like that. It’s pure magic!  

My ego is who sees the world as lost and, it is that part of myself that can’t see the miracle of simply being here. My truest self understands that I am part of the whole. When I submit myself to God's authority, I am "all in all". When I see myself as separate or superior, I default into narcissistic behavior. It’s basic science. The good news is that separate and superior is not who I really am. My truest self is deeply compassionate and loving. I believe I was made in the image of God and that means I am love and, loved. So, when I show up drenched in moral superiority, I make myself a big ignorant hypocrite all shouting and waving (and probably crying) in panic about things like peace and love. It’s not a good look. 

Just this past year, my adult daughter, God love her, was brave enough to tell me that I was being manipulative by crying in front of her over something she and I didn’t agree on. Felt that one, too. I seriously hate the lessons when I the one who is clearly wrong. I’ve also learned to love those lessons because, if I’m the problem, then I’m also the solution. And, every time I let go of control, even of my children (gasp and horror!!), I free myself to enter into an authentic relationship with who they really are. It's how I want to show up with everyone. 

The reason I’m saying all of this is because I’ve been pounding my head into the ground all week with anxiety over how and what to say to make you guys see things my way. AHAHAHAHA. But, seriously. 

I KNOW that my story is profound. It just is. It stands on it’s own merit. All I need do is tell it. Most days, I’m stunned by the whole thing, myself. However, I truly believe my hand is in the hand of someone much bigger than little bitty me. It is from that source that I want to live and breath and tell my story. I don’t want to manipulate you with my tears. I don’t want to yell and scream and rant. I don’t want to be a loud mouth with a vendetta. There haven’t been many tearful rants that have changed my view of the world, only my opinion of the ranter. 

So, before I begin to submit weekly entries, attempt to unpack my story, and share exciting developments from the farm, I wanted to clear the air. I wanted to lay down all of my expectations or attempts to manipulate any of you who may read this. 

I’ve long wanted to resurrect this my beloved blog. It has seen me through some beautiful and some really difficult seasons. It has given me an outlet for sharing my heart. It will be hard to hear a lot of what I have to say but I ask that you take what serves you and leave the rest. It is my story and I intend to share it from a place of love and compassion. 

My propensity to make a mess of things is a great source of insight into what kind of person I am choosing to become. This morning, I couldn’t sit with my self-righteous position any longer and sent a sincere apology to my friend for my unkind comment and, almost immediately, received love and forgiveness. My soul, humbled. 

I ask that you bear with me as I step into this. Like I said, I still feel like I'm new to the party. But its a really great party (even though things are getting kinda weird). I'm really excited to share how I got here and to take you along as I learn how to dance.