Thursday, November 25, 2010

Day 80 ~ Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving morning finds me in solitude. For the past few years, this has been the standard. The kids take off to Mamaw's to be with their cousins, Rodney heads out to the farm and I am left alone. I'm never really alone, I always have my dogs.

The first couple years of this routine made me sad; the Thanksgiving Parade on T.V. and me sitting and weeping. It dawned on me that perhaps God has ordained for me to be alone on this particular morning each year. While other homes are brimming with chaos and cooking, I am quietly puttering around my empty home. I do have cooking assignments for the big meal later this afternoon. Traditionally, I am in charge of the green bean casserole. This often makes me wonder if the family lacks faith in my cooking ability.

This morning, I felt no pain of loneliness. When Rodney left and I began my routine of laundry and dishes, an urgency to be outdoors overtook me and I slipped on my boots and headed out. I found my way to the tree in the woods that provides me a place to sit and there I prayed. I'm not sure if I've mentioned my prayer deficiency here before. For years now, talking to God out loud has been difficult for me. I don't know why. There has just been a mental block, a spiritual block perhaps and I usually pray silently, in my crazy chaotic head.

On this loosely disciplined path to freedom, I've been aimlessly wandering. There is nothing solid, no set limits, no discipline... just my hopes, my ambitions, my failures. God has been pressing on my heart so forcefully to speak to Him. "You do not have because you do not ask" James 4:2. I am certain that I have missed out on things simply because I did not ask. My mouth never uttered the words, "Lord, give me freedom in my soul, in my mind, in my heart and in my body". I thought I could take the reigns and do it myself. Knowing all the while I NEED God, I just haven't had the guts to tell Him so.

Well, I did this morning. I sat on that tree trunk and there I fought back every lie that told me not to speak it. Every doubt that told me "He won't hear you". All the fear that someone would think me a fool for seemingly talking to the trees. I opened my mouth and let the words come out. The wind blew upon my face as I asked forcefully that God renew my strength. I pleaded for a sound mind and a revival of spirit. I fear what He will have to put me through to accomplish this in me, but I believe Him to do it.

My Thanksgiving today is one of a restoration of faith. My blessings are many, I have much for which to be thankful. None compares to the blessing of a God who loves me and who hears me when I pray. May God bless all of you and give you peace.

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