Friday, February 11, 2011

Day 42

(I started this blog on day 42 and it is now day 48)

Being a mother has been the biggest blessing of my life. It seems that's all I've been for 18 years now...wait, that IS all I've been for 18 years.

And, I know I've blogged all about this before...probably.

Those little darlings came bursting into my life when, I myself, was just a baby. I had the idea of being a mother all figured out but really had no idea what was in store for me. Rodney and I were so in love with each other, it seemed only natural that we were going to have to create some other people to share it with. So we did.

I remember asking God for healthy children. I remember asking for them to be happy. And, I remember asking for help. When I look back on it all, I can't believe any of us survived.

The truth about being a mother is that it breaks you open. You're heart and your soul become more than who you thought you were. God does this miraculous thing and makes you grow up. All of this has been on my mind lately. I keep thinking that it's all coming to some abrupt end. That Taylor will leave for college and I'll be sitting around crying in my coffee about how I am no longer needed. But God keeps revealing to me and working on my heart all the joys and expectations of a future. I keep wondering what my future will hold and then I hear the words, "do not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow has enough worries for itself". Matt 6:34.

I really like Rodney. But I just keep imagining us having nothing else to talk about but chickens. This is what frightens me. Chickens. Chickens frighten me. Not that my eyes will be plucked out but that I'll be forever tied to them and the chores that are created because of them. Days like today when I HAVE to get on the 4-wheeler, in the cold and drive down there to the chicken houses and get wet and even colder and eventually become covered in poop as I wash the fans. Usually, these things don't bother me. I am a country girl through and through and I'm not afraid of work, dirt, or poo. I guess it is just the thought that this could be it for me. That I'm going to be 80 years old and still out there in the poo.

I apologize for complaining but this is my therapy tool. There are no psychiatrists out here on the farm, so I blog. I am forced to analyze things myself and come up with my own prescription. My analysis of this current quandary is this. I never looked beyond my years as being a mother. That was it for me. I wanted it, I got it, I was pretty good at it and's coming to some sort of close. They'll always be my babies, but there has been a shift...a big one. I have a very long list of things that I DON'T want to do. People that I look at and say, "I don't want to end up like that". Maybe that is my problem, I'm focusing too much on what I don't want and not on the possibilities of who I can be.

So, I stand at this great expanse before me. An expanse of time, space, and hope and I'm not sure what with what I'll fill it. My only advice to myself at this point is to live in the moment. Quit worrying about all of it and just be present NOW. Go clean those chicken house fans like the farmer you are and enjoy it. Be thankful that it's 60 degrees out and not 15 like it was last week. Enjoy the fact that your kids will be home from school today at 3:30. Live it now, do it well, and quit worrying about it all. There are so many things to look forward to.

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