Thursday, May 26, 2011

Pity Parties

My mom accused me of pity parties quite often when I was a teenager. I remember feeling misunderstood and that my emotional state was valid, she just didn't "get it". Looking back, I can see where evil teenage hormones, immaturity, and selfishness played a big part in my frequenting the doldrums. Feeling misunderstood has been a common thread in the course of my life. I rationalize that most people probably feel the same way that I do about stuff and I'm really not so complex as to be isolated in my emotions. The more stories I hear about others lives, it confirms that I'm fairly normal. I want to write this statement; I'm typically a very cheerful person but, in my head, I can hear a mocking, big-belly laugh coming from my dad in response to such a statement... and, I reconsider whether or not I am a cheerful person at all. Misunderstood.

I think my parents will always keep me in that box. I was an evil teenager, I cried a lot, I threw fits, I got angry, I cried some more. Once, after I'd had a big fight with my brother, my dad told me to get out of the house until I quit crying... so I walked out the back door and started heading through the pasture. The further away I got, the louder my weeping became and I heard my dad shout, "KEEP GOING!! I CAN STILL HEAR YOU!" They love to tell that story when a congregation gathers, especially if there is somebody there that hasn't heard it yet. I can't imagine what it was like to have raised a child as difficult as I was. Why God blessed me with such awesome children, I'll never know.

I've been doing some serious thinking, so much so that my head hurts. There is a calling on every life and I've always wondered what mine was/is. I've written about this recently but it is a hot topic right now that this major shift is occurring in my life. It is highly possible that I'm simply thinking about it too much or making way to big a deal about it. But, it hits me almost every time I turn around. I was watching "The War of the Roses" a couple days ago, was on while I was in the house. There is a scene when Kathleen Turner is struggling with the idea of hiring a live-in maid. She is interviewing the maid and begins ranting about why she doesn't need a live-in. She explains that she isn't "one of those women who dedicated her life to her husband and children and is now desperately trying to validate herself because her children are about to leave taking up photography or opening an art gallery or going into interior design." This movie was made in 1989 and I remember seeing it then and feeling sorry for her struggle. Of course at that time I had no idea how quickly I would arrive at that same juncture in life.

So, today I'm having a pity party. There is a culmination of reasons why.

My best friend was supposed to come see me this weekend but her family is passing around some kind of bug and she thought it better not come and risk getting us sick.

Taylor left to go hang out in Texarkana with friends and see a movie. This is not a bad thing, I just miss her when she goes.

Rodney ran over a baby deer while cutting hay and the mother is just standing behind the house, confused and chasing away buzzards. This is one of the great tragedies of cutting hay in the spring.

I forgot to take my medicine yesterday so my arthritis is flared up.

I watched the last episode of Oprah. I've watched her show every weekday since the beginning and I feel almost like I'm loosing a friend.

I'm tired.

My knees hurt really bad today so I skipped my walk. It probably would have been better if I'd gone ahead and pushed myself to go.

It is stunningly beautiful outside today and I can't muster up the want-to to go out and enjoy it. Besides my trips to the clothes line and the goat pen, I've been in the house most of the day. My messy house which I don't feel like cleaning.

Other than missing my meds and not taking my walk, I can't really figure out why I feel this way.

It's just a day out of life. Tomorrow will be better. That's what I keep telling myself. I also will continue to tell myself that I'm a cheerful person. I am a cheerful person. I'm good enough, I'm smart enough and doggone it, people like me!

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