Almost every morning, about the time I'm making my way to the coffee pot, I recite this scripture quietly in my soul. Whatever mistakes I made yesterday, whatever problems may lie ahead today, God's mercies are fresh and new right now in this moment. It's a brand new day. Sometimes I carry that peace with me throughout the day and sometimes it gets lost in all the activity of living and I get off balance. My spiritual center, my universal truth lies in the knowledge that I belong to God and I am cherished by Him. When I become distracted by my own selfish ego and ambition, every aspect of who I am and who God wants me to be becomes unstable and directionless.
While I'm coming to grips with the fact that my life is changing; my first born is leaving for college and my baby just started his senior year, I'm forced to ask the question of what will the rest of my life look like? Oddly enough, I'm quite at peace about the whole thing. Somewhere, in the back of my mind, I was always aware that the active parenting season of my life would be temporary. It doesn't seem momentary when you're sleep deprived and rocking a screaming baby. You can't appreciate the fleeting time when it's 3 a.m. and you're on your hands and knees cleaning regurgitated spaghetti out of the toy-box. When you've patently answered the question "but what do you mean?" for the five-thousandth time. When you get a call in the middle of the night because they've been in a car accident and you didn't even know they'd left the house... you wonder if there will ever come a day when you can fully release them into the world. And, the answer is NO.
While there is a day coming when my children will no longer be residence in the same house as me, they'll always have a permanent address in my heart. While they begin their lives in the great big world and, seemingly, leave my nest empty... the truth is, they are leaving it full. Full of memories, lessons learned, happiness, joy, gifts, love and even a few holes in the wall.
One thing I know for sure is that I haven't done everything right but, I'm resolved in the knowledge that I couldn't have loved them more. That, I did well. Giving yourself, heart and soul, to another person and loving them completely is risky. I would, now, rather feel the pain of them leaving than to have missed out on any of the love that I gained through these years of being their mother. I grew up right along side them and we've had a blast.
Nothing is ending, it is only beginning. Everything is on it's way somewhere. My Taylor just happens to be on her way to college. Kyle is on his way to graduation (Lord help us). Rodney and I are still trying to figure out what we're going to be when we grow up. Farming is our job and our way of life but we are still wanderers, seeking to find truth and love and thankful that we are doing it together.
I'm thankful for God's mercies today and I'll be thankful for them tomorrow. My good friend told me the other day that the tears came when she drove away, leaving a child at college and then, bawled for a good half-hour. I'm praying God's mercies will be with me then. When I hug her tightly and then walk away, leaving her in God's hands. Then I'll text her every 5 minutes on the ride home. She is loved completely.