For Pete's Sake

The scale has not budged. I'm beginning to think that there is something physiologically wrong with my body. Maybe I have a tumor that is growing at the same rate that I am actually loosing weight. That's probably it.

I'm doing my best not to be discouraged and I really don't feel like I am. The fact that I'm this far into it and not seeing any results on that stupid contraption is only making me want to fight harder. I did a little research to find out why this happens to people sometimes. Why the weight isn't falling of. There were several that could easily be my answer.

One is that I'm under too much stress. I hate to even say that because I hate to hear other people say it, "I'm just so stressed!" I always feel like saying, "well...don't be!" I believe that we control our own stress because, it isn't the things that happen to us but the way react to what happens to us.

When I took Kyle to get his drivers license on Friday, I think my stress meter was pegged out. It came out of nowhere too. We had a fairly pleasant journey from Wickes to Mena but when we started getting in traffic and were squeezing between big trucks (those of you that don't know Mena, the lanes are about 3 feet wide), I started having a full blown panic attack. My "mom" voice told me not to dare display it outwardly to avoid stressing him or elevating the tension any further. I wanted to scream "OH GOD WE'RE GOING TO DIE", but I bit my lip and said a silent prayer. When he bumper-car-style hit the curb, I felt hot tears stinging my eyes. That was when I decided I wanted to skip this part. The part where being the mother means defying death. I wanted to skip ahead a couple (or a dozen) years to when he was a very experienced driver. I'm definitely having problems with letting this child go. Those of you that know Kyle and the endeavor it has been raising him can, perhaps, see where it would be difficult to release him into the world. My chest is tightening just thinking about it. Prayers are welcome where this is concerned.

Another possibility in the no-weight-loss-for-you, is that I'm adding muscle. This one I believe...because I can SEE it. While the number on the scale isn't confirming any type of body change, my eyes are. I wished I'd have measured myself now before I began. Things definitely look different and I feel better. That is what is keeping my motivated. Plus, I need all the muscle I can get, I'm the only female left in my home and you never know when you might have to karate chop somebody.

The other is that I'm not getting enough sleep. I'm always telling myself that I'm going to go to bed at 10:00, then I'm up till 12:00 and still have to get up at 6:30 or 7:00. The lack of sleep causes horrid cortisol to be released and store fat. I don't understand all of this but I read that I'm supposed to be getting 7 to8 hours of sleep, and I'm not doing that regularly.

Now I feel like one of those old people that sit around and tell you all their ailments. I could list off my medications too if you'd like. It's a very short list. Like 2.

I saw a picture on Facebook a few days ago of a friend's 90-year-old grandmother. The first thing I thought was, "Wow, I want to look like that when I'm 90". She was so beautiful and slender and healthy looking. I read down on the comments where others had expressed their admiration of how good she looked. Then, the friend commented that his wife once asked her what kind of medications she has to take and the grandmother replied, "well, sometimes I take ibuprofen". I thought that was like the best thing ever. I love that there are those older folks that actually make me less afraid of getting old.

I'm still plodding along, still working out, still eating real food (except I did sneak a little popsicle today) and still keeping a positive attitude. I can't quit now.