Friday, October 21, 2011

Support

Thank you to everyone who responded in love and kindness to my confession. I know that there are those who don't understand, my husband being one of them. Not needing to understand it, he continues to love me, completely. While that voice in my head assures me that he can't save me, it sure feels good to have his arms tightly embracing me. I don't think his hugs have ever felt quite so good. And, I thank God for that.

Every kind word of encouragement from friends and even people I don't know well have been embraces of a sort. I sincerely appreciate all the motivation and support.

The road ahead is unsure, but bright. I've always heard that "one day at a time" business but never took it seriously. I really didn't even know what it meant. Well, I do now. One day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute, one second. It is no longer just something to get through, but something to cherish.

My brain is slowly waking up from it's slumber. There are times when I weep for the years I've been sleeping, mourning all I've lost. I'm assured that this is a healing process. Now, with the future ahead of me, I am learning not to look backwards except where it is necessary to heal, but to move myself into the future where the colors are brighter, the sun is warmer and the world is a more vibrant and lovely place to be. I read this quote that hit home in a staggering way with me. "Drinking gave me the illusion that I might be alive" (Chekhov, Uncle Vanya)

I was living an illusion of life. Not really alive, not really present, just a human with a beating heart. I've begun to pray like I've never known prayer. God is my new best friend with whom I share all my troubles. As I was praying last night I asked for the "abundant life". The thief comes only to steal, kill and destroy. I came that you may have life and have it abundantly. John 10:10. As I prayed that prayer, it occurred to me that I would have never been so desperate for an abundant life had I not been abundantly dead. And I was, abundantly dead. The line from The Princess Bride comes to me over and over... "he's not all dead, he's only mostly dead". While there is a big difference, according to Miracle Max, between mostly dead and all dead, mostly dead is no fun. I let the thief in, and he did steal, kill and destroy. But, my mighty prince, my God, my savior has beaten down the door and has rescued me from my dark prison.

This is going to be quite a process of recovery. I had no idea how sick I really was. The light shining down upon it all has revealed to me the putrescence that I was living in which is making my heart soar to new heights as I become free from it.

I've had some physical repercussions from it this week. Some shaking and nausea but nothing major. I think that these physical reminders are serving to show me that I wasn't only suffering mentally but I was hurting my body. The last two nights have been the best nights sleep I've had in years. No benadryl washed down with glasses and glasses of merlot or vodka to make me sleep. Just sleep, natural, whole, healthy, good old sleep. Every time I wake up, I feel better, clearer, stronger, healthier.

Today, I am free. One day at a time, and this day, I claim freedom.

I love all of my beautiful friends. Your hearts are connected with mine whether you know it or not. If you've been my life long friend or you are just a kind acquaintance that offered up words of encouragement, I am thankful for you and I love you.


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