My inner voices are arguing. I'm feeling quite bipolar. (Not to make light of that malady at all). Now that I am a week sober, I'm having some conflicting thoughts.
"It really wasn't that bad"
"having a drink every night doesn't make you an alcoholic"
"but, four or five...and not being able to stop...come on woman"
I'm vaguely resolute.
When I read over the 12 steps...I thought I could skip to step 4. It was very apparent that my life had become unmanageable and that I was powerless over my addiction, I wasn't going to argue that one (step 1). I already believe in God (have my whole life) and that he could restore me to sanity (step 2). When I awakened last Monday, I was very willing to turn my will and my life over to God (step 3). So just move me on to step 4 thank you very much.
Not so fast.
As this week has pressed on, I'm beginning to see where I'm going to have to do a whole lot more soul searching where step 1 is concerned. While I've taken the hardest step and admitted it, I can feel myself crawfishing (as Rodney would put it)(I'm using a lot of parenthesis today).
I had a come to Jesus, Ebenezer Scrooge visited by 3 ghosts experience. While I only had one "ghost", the experience was the same. I was shown a glimpse of my life. I was given the opportunity to SEE the mess my soul was in and I woke up a changed person. Only, I'm not going to buy a turkey and skipping off to have a feast at Bob Cratchit's house. I've been given an assignment, I life-long one. I wonder if old Scrooge woke up a week later and thought, "humbug!" I wonder if that desire to walk the straight and narrow ever wavered for him?
Something happened last night that gave me hope. Hope that this process wouldn't be all bad. Hope that, while I had hard work to do, it would be rewarding. Rodney and I were getting ourselves tucked in bed and chatting about the day. I won't go into all that was said but we ended up laughing until our tummies hurt and tears were streaming down our faces. We were rolling back and forth holding our bellies and wiping the tears from our face. It was hysterical. The more we laughed the funnier it got and the more we laughed. It was the most ridiculous silly thing in the world to be laughing about but we were completely lost in hysterics.
If you must know what we were laughing about...watch this.
The part where Joe takes the rubber arm and starts smacking Mr. Waturi in the face!! We were saying we were going to get one of those and start randomly doing that to people. The funny part was listing the people it would be most fun to do it to. My tummy still hurts a little from all the laughter.
I've not laughed like that in a long time. Oh, I've laughed but it hasn't been real. Everything is real now...the good and the bad. I think God knew I needed a little peek at what the future could look like. I'm sure I won't be rolling on the floor 24 hours a day or that life is just going to burst into song and flowers. I heard Paula Dean say something on Oprah's Life Class recently (if you've not been watching, you should). She said, "if you do the work, God will bless it". I've been working all week and, last night, I got a blessing. You never know what form they will come in but, laughing with my sweet man sure was a good one.
I started working on my new space today. I've managed to make a big mess, not surprisingly. I have one small corner somewhat finished and that's enough for now. I'm learning to take things a step at a time and not be overwhelmed by my shortcomings. Tall order, but I'm doing it.
For now, I'm firmly planted in step 1.