Sunday, December 18, 2011

Bewilderment

I'm unsure how to start writing this blog because, currently, my brain is the consistency of oatmeal. Lately, I can't put two thoughts together or keep my attention on any one thing but for a few moments. My only conclusion to this phenomenon is that, while God is stripping away my ego, my intelligence is going with it. As a matter of fact, it is becoming increasingly clear that I really never was that smart. Brainpower has never been anything that I put too much stake in anyway, but I did think I was intelligent...to a point. Turns out, I wasn't really that bright I was just really good at chatter, aka bull crap.

So, with my new found knowledge that I am a complete infantile halfwit, I'm at the complete mercy of the world around me and the people in it. I'm finding that I must listen instead of speak. I must observe and not interfere. As much as I still want to come up with just the right words to say, as badly as I want to sound smart and make everybody laugh, I'm finding that I am obliged to find the humor in those around me. My eyes are turning from the prison of self and opening to the splendor of the beautiful people in my life.

Last night, on the way home from a Christmas gathering as we were getting close to home, I asked if anybody had checked the mail. Simple enough question, but I asked it twice in the span of about 15 seconds, not remembering that I'd already asked. I knew I'd thought it in my head but I didn't know that I'd said it out loud and I didn't remember getting an answer. There were other conversations going on so it got lost in the void. As soon as it was revealed to me that I'd already asked the question, I was entirely disturbed. I'm becoming that thing that all women fear. I'm becoming my mother. We laughed about it and, I've been asked at least a half-dozen times since if anybody checked the mail. Humor and heckling are how we handle things around my house. It takes the edge off the incredibly frightening realm of reality.

Although it is unsettling to note that I would greatly benefit to return myself to kindergarten and start all over, there has been a sweet blessing accompanying it. I'm becoming grateful. YES! Thankful for every tiny stimuli around me. Since I can no longer rely on my own intellect, outside inspirations have become imperative. I'm thankful for floors to sweep, dishes to wash, goats to feed, laundry to fold, wet dog paws to dry, dog paw-prints to mop, carpet to vacuum, dead chickens to pick up, fence to mend, friends to call, blogs to write, pictures to take, groceries to buy, presents to wrap, ball-games to attend, books to read, shelves to dust, tires to air up, cheeks to kiss, coffee to drink, and supper to cook. I used to be so content to just sit around and let the world go by. Superiorly sitting on my pitiful pedestal, I missed a lot.

I'm holding out hope that at least some of my intellect will return. But, for now...ignorance is, indeed, bliss.

No comments:

Post a Comment