Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Certainty of Uncertainty

I'm in the middle of a season that has left my brain almost completely nonfunctioning. So much of what used to drive my thought process has been stripped away and has left my head wide open and unoccupied. I can still make a joke, bake cornbread, work on the computer, write a check, feed the dogs, take a photo, and arrange flowers but there is an odd silence occurring. 

I'm beginning to understand that I was completely engulfed by ego because now that I've given myself over to God's care, my ego is quite(er) and the silence is deafening. How could I have not known what a prisoner I was? How could I have mistaken all of that indignation as righteous? Somebody said to me recently that he never thought he was angry at people, he just thought he had some really good advice for them. Those were my thoughts exactly. Everybody is stupid and mean and I need to tell them how to behave! Now that the reality of the situation has convicted me and all signs of meanness and stupidity have a big Y-O-U on them...I am suddenly seeing every person differently. I think of all the things I've said out of deluded piety and want to sit and weep. I've not gotten to my "amends" step and can feel my stomach knot up even thinking about it. It has been assured me that I'm not ready for it yet. I'm supposing that my ego has even further to fall and perhaps my poor head will become even more silent. 

The comfort in it all is that I've given up fighting. It is OK that I don't know. I don't have to clamor for the right words or  try to come up with quick come backs. I get to be me. Healing, confused, broken, beautiful... me. All my defenses are down and I don't have to carry around that thousand pound weight anymore. I get to let God handle all of the people or situations in my life. If people really are mean or cruel, I can view them as ill and allow God to love them and heal them. It isn't my responsibility. Finding out that I really don't know anything is the most freeing thing I've experienced. And, boy do I have a long way to go.

One day at a time makes so much more sense to me now. I don't have to worry about tomorrow and that is a miracle. 

1 comment:

  1. Loved the quote you shared from the guy who said he wasn't angry --- he just had some really good advice for others. Wow; that strikes home! I've thought of it many times over the past several days.
    Good to get your email, my dear. Hope you're still "trudging the road of happy destiny."
    - Martine