finding hope...

Life is messy

and hard

and cruel

and frightening. 

It is also beautiful and miraculous. 

I'm assured, through scripture, that there is a time and a season for everything under heaven. (that scripture in Ecclesiastes that The Byrd's melodically put into song). Why do we so readily embrace the times of peace and joy, and then fight tooth and nail to enter into a time of mourning and hate? Perhaps there are some out there who relish in times of woe...but not me. I want ALL of life to be love and peace and joy. I want it all to be a time for embracing. Why must there be a season in which we would refrain from such a lovely thing? I want it all to be a time of gain...I am scared to death of times of loss. Frightened out of my ever loving mind. 

I've been frightened a good portion of my life. There are few times that I can think of that I was confident in my next step. Sometimes I tell myself that I must be very brave to be so frightened all the time and still continue on. The other night, Rodney and I were laying in bed quietly talking about years past. I started to add up our years together and then adding up what time we had left if we lived to be 70, 80, 110. My left-brained husband quickly said, "if I live to be 110, we'd be married for 85 years". I thought about how fast these last 21 years have flown by and, something started to hurt. Tears started to pour from my eyes and I said, "that's not long enough". I'm afraid of life being any different than what it is today. Maybe it's because my children have so recently left the nest (well, mostly) that I am so fearful of what my life would be like without my very best friend. I look back on just the last 5 years and can't believe how much has changed. It's roaring by like a freight train and I'm simply holding on. And, while it is exhilarating and the scenery is stunning, I'm still a breath away from disaster. 

Aren't you glad you visited my blog today? 

My heart is being pounded out and made into what my Father wants. The process is painful and it is scary to be unsure of the ending, the middle or even the stuff in between. God calls me again and again to trust Him. 

But as for me, I will always have hope; I will praise you more and more. Psalm 71:14

There has been talk among family and friends lately about being angry with God. Feelings of being, somehow, "picked on" by our creator. The line from the movie Bruce Almighty comes to mind..."God is a mean kid sitting on a ant hill with a magnifying glass burning my feelers." And, it does feel that way sometimes. 

That is my human thinking. 

It is my carnal way of sorting through fear and anxiety...blame God!! He did this to me! He could fix all of this in a second but continues to torture me with all of this earthly woe. 

Then, I am forced to my knees and to go back to what I know that I know. 

God is love. 

I know that with my whole being. God is love. There is no love without Him. Anytime I feel it, it is coming from Him. Anytime I'm moved to reach out to help somebody else, it is God. When I see acts of kindness and love from others, I know...God. 

So, when I'm in a season of loss, of being unsure, of fear...I am so open to accepting the Love of God. I am really hoping that, one day, I will be able to look to God and keep Him always near in times of plenty. I'm prayerful that I'll learn the lesson one of these times and maybe I won't always need to be reminded where my hope comes from. 

Did you know that the most repeated command in the bible is, in one form or another is, "do not fear"? I actually went through my old bible and found each one and highlighted it. It was quite therapeutic.   Maybe this would be a good practice for me to begin in my new bible. Reading all those old testament stories of the most unlikely of heros conquering insurmountable odds because God was right there with them...that's some good therapy. I'm not sure any history books will be written about how Rodney and Jenni finally paid that loan off or fearlessly repaired that old fence or saw through the raising of their children. We are all just doing life. I'm just here to tell you that I'm scared, but...I trust, I have hope, and I believe. One of my favorite quotes is, "it's not brave if you're not scared"...(I'm pretty sure Ben Affleck said that).

As I face down my many Goliath's in life, I trust that God is standing right there while my knees knock together and I feel like I'm going to throw up. I believe that fleets of angels guard my footsteps. I'm sure of how little I really know, but am confident of what I know for sure. 

God is love.