We all have days that change us. If you've been on this planet long enough, it is inevitable to be shaken from your path and redirected. The longer I live the more I realize that I control small things but am, ultimately, not the driver of the vehicle.
I was shaken awake a year ago. After years of blindly walking through life and giving into a false comfort of alcohol, God saw fit to pierce the veil of untruth and shame and rock me to consciousness. It was a rebirth and I will never forget it. I could no longer hide behind the lies. The light shining down on all the blackness of my addiction left me nowhere to hide. God's light of truth shown down on me, exposed my secrets, and changed me forever. It came to me in a dream. Just like all those stories of dreamers in the bible...those great men whom God spoke to while they slept - a revelation came. I can still feel the intensity of it. How foolish I was thinking I had it under control. The amazing thing is that the truth didn't leave me ashamed and broken. Indeed, it set me free.
This year, I've gone through every facet of emotion. Days I couldn't scrape myself off the couch and days I felt I could fly. Somewhere in-between, I found peace and contentment. I dare not fool myself into thinking that I'm over it all. Even just a few weeks ago, I thought how great it would be to have some gin in my juice. Moments like that are going to come and I am learning their triggers and how to cope. Prayer, patience, positive thinking, submission to God, more prayer. My race is far from over. I know I won't stop running until the day I die. There is always something to learn, always something to do, always good that needs doing. However, now...I get to run my race without the shackles of addiction, the fetters of untruth. Now, I get to be me. I get to be what God wants me to be. Some days I'm frightened to death of what lies ahead. Now I get to be afraid sober. I get to walk through fires knowing that my Heavenly Father is right there with me. No longer in an inebriated fog, I get to be here, I get to be now.
My past is there to serve as a reminder of the depths from which I've been saved. I don't live there anymore. I've been almost rebellious about going back through it even to find where it all went wrong. I know I used alcohol for comfort and to cope. I am responsible for my addiction. It wasn't my parent's fault. It wasn't because I have a stressful job. It wasn't because I am weak or even because I may have DNA that predisposes me to addiction. I drank because I wanted to. It was good to me for a while, really good. Then, it became a crutch. It took me over. The enemy is so sneaky that way. I really get mad when I think about it now. I was duped. I fell into a trap and was happy to take up residence in a hideous hell. My philosophy was that if everything was in order, if I was still working and if I drank out of a pretty glass...I was just being cool. It got so dark in that place. No amount of sprucing and no matter how pretty the glass, what was in it was ruling my life. It had me, and I knew it.
Now, in a place with the light turned on...I am racing home. My life is now a journey that is exciting. Every day is a new adventure. It is hard to express the thankfulness I feel. Being lifted from so low has served to be one of the greatest gifts of my life. I know what it's like to be in the dark. Everybody I love was kept at arms length. I embrace them now. I don't even care how ridiculous I may sound now, spouting joy and redemption. Live in a prison for a decade and see how you feel when you're set free.
My prayer now is that my life will somehow be of service. I can blog all day about my struggles and triumphs but I want boots on the ground stuff. I have no idea where my life will lead me. It's a scary world these days. But, I am free. God is driving me and putting me in positions to serve. Where He leads, I will follow.
Thank you to all of my friends who have offered words of encouragement. My husband and children are the most amazing people and I cherish their love for me and the sweet patience they've shown while I climbed into sobriety. To have the love of amazing parents who make me laugh and are always there for me when I need to talk or just to have a glass of tea is a great blessing.
And now, the wind is blowing outside. I'm gonna go stand in it.