In my almost 40 years, God has called me over and over again to believe him. He challenges my faith, tests my strength, encourages me to move forward, and promises that He will be there every step of the way. It isn't enough to believe in God. He wants us to believe him. The only way that this is achieved is through complete and total faith. And man is it scary.
Sometimes, I am called to have faith in small things. Like that the weather will hold out until we get the hay put up or if we will have enough money to get us through until the next paycheck. Some might see those as big things but, to me, they are small in the grand scheme of things. Then there are times when God really needs me to be strong and believe. Like when my dad was sick and we weren't sure if he would live. Or when we signed our names on the bottom line and bought the farm and went into debt up to our eyeballs. It was so frightening because there is no way of knowing what the outcome would be. But, those of us that trust God have a knowing that the world cannot touch us. Oh, it can leave you bloody alright but, what we have is eternal and secure from anything that man may try to do to us. So, we walk wobbly-legged to the edge of the cliff, take the hand of Jesus and jump. I don't think God expects us to never be afraid. I just think He expects us trust him anyway. When I would tell my mom, "I'm just too scared", she would say..."well, just do it scared then".
I've just come to tell you today that I am afraid. The words are not even coming to me to describe what I am presently feeling. My son is leaving in a couple days. He will be headed to south Texas to begin working at a company down there where he has an opportunity to be successful and learn a trade. We are very proud and excited for him and he is ready. The trouble is, I'm not.
Anybody that knows Kyle at all knows what an incredible person he is. Raising him has been the joy, and the challenge of my life. For so many years, I really had my doubts that he would ever be able to survive on his own. There was just no way that this ADHD "tasmanian devil", as we used to call him, would make it without constant supervision and, even then, it was questionable. Helping to bring that boy to manhood was definitely a "hands-on" project. Somehow, we all made it through. He is, without doubt, one of the most amazing people I've ever known. And, I just don't want to let him go.
I was thinking last night how gracious God has been to me. Taylor was born just a few days shy of starting kindergarten when she was 5 so, I got to keep her an extra year. Kyle has had all this time since he graduated trying to find a path to take while camped out at home. I knew that the day would come when I would have to let go. Somehow, I feel like nobody understands. Even when he was little, it was hard for me to let him go spend the night at somebody's house. For one, I was afraid of what he might destroy while he was there but, mainly, it was because I felt like...nobody is going to love him like me. I don't want his hyper-weirdness or inquisitive, out-of-the-box thinking to be the brunt of jokes or to get on somebody's nerves. I just wanted everybody to see him for what I knew that he was and is. I wanted him to be seen for the precious, sweet, big-hearted, talented, incredibly smart person that he is. It's just that you had to look through a layer of spastic chaos to see it.
Some people did. I always appreciated the teachers that "got him". Those that took the time to nurture his strengths and just let him be who he was without ridicule. Angels, I'd say. As he has grown and gained the ability to balance his emotions and impulses and channel his energies, it has become easier and easier to see him being completely independent. He has become a man. And, a really good one. I am so happy that he has been able to maintain his sense of wonder in the world. His curiosity about how things work and why will serve him well. What will serve him even more is his love for Christ. This is what gives me peace in sending him out into the world. He will be a light wherever he goes. Texas is SOO lucky!
As for me, letting him leave is going to be frightening and hard but, it is just time. I will be called on for more faith than I've ever had in the coming weeks. To absolutely believe that God is going to take over from here is almost more than I can bear. I feel like I need to send a list of instructions with him...like his Creator knows him less than I do. I know he will make a lot of friends and probably meet girls. One day he will meet the girl God has set aside to be his wife and even then I will think, "nobody will ever love him like I do".
Rodney and my mom have said, "it's not like he is leaving forever". Yes, but this time, he's not heading off to church camp for a week or to stay at a cousins house. He is heading out into the world to start his life. It will be a beautiful life. I am so proud that I get to be his mother. I've learned more about love and patience in the past 18 years than I probably ever will again. In helping him become a man, he has made me a better woman. The best kind of woman...the mother of a good man.